I’ve been participating in the MIT Mystery Hunt for 14 years, since an ex of mine who runs a team roped me in. I’ve loved every year, catching up with people, breaking my brain against fiendish puzzles, and going home exhausted and peopled out and happy.

Earlier this week, I made a fateful decision to bow out for this year. I’m looking to move out of my condo, and that’s important enough to need the holiday weekend, but if I’m being honest, it’s also about reevaluating my traditions and habits. Taking a break this year seems like a good way to see if it’s something I truly want to continue. Oh, I’ll miss it! If it truly has a place in my life, it will be there next year.

However, my decision had a side effect. Yesterday, the team leader emailed us to say too many people were unavailable, remotely or in person, to attend the Hunt as a team. Those who wanted to participate would be given introductions to other teams, ones we’ve played with and have great relationships with. But this year, Left As An Exercise For The Reader will not be a Mystery Hunt team.

It doesn’t alter my decision, and it’s too late to change my mind, but I feel responsible. It feels like a fatal blow has been dealt to my team, like I’ve let down my teammates and friends. Will there even be a team to return to next year? Will I feel as motivated or comfortable playing with another team, should it come to that? Instead of a raincheck, has this become a farewell?

I don’t know. That frightens me. So much of my day to day life and psyche is unstable; I took a step out thinking I had a stable place to return to, and now I’m uncertain. All I can do is move forward with memories and experiences to motivate me, but air has grown colder and the taste bittersweet.